BEING THERE

9 PM. The doorbell rings. Standing on the step is a teenage girl, a friend and schoolmate of our daughter. Before I can speak, she says, “I’ve run away from home.”

Oh boy. What to say. I do NOT say: Do you know what time it is?, Do your parents know?, You should call your parents and go home!, What’s wrong with you?!

I don’t want to grill or berate her or send her back out to wander around alone. It’s good that she came here and didn’t run farther or get hurt. She feels bad. Let’s not make it worse.

I invite her in to sit down, then ask, in a neutral tone, “What’s happened?” An invitation to vent. It all spills out. Words and emotions. After a while, things calm down.

The next step, a resolution, is unclear. It seems that her parents don’t know she has run away. This is awkward. They need to know, but we don’t want to freak her out by insisting on calling them.

Seems like the best thing is to ask her, “What do you want most right now?”

Fortunately, she says, “I want to call my parents and have them pick me up. I want to be home!”

Being intelligent enough to come up with a wise, powerful response, I say, “Okay!” She phones home.

That could have gone another way. She provided us with an easy out. But, what if she had said she wanted to stay, or keep running, or not contact her parents?

Hopefully, we would have continued to hold a safe space for her - ask if we could call her parents or take her home - ask what else she wanted. Because, if this ever happened again, we’d want her to be okay with coming to us for a time out. We’d want her and her parents to feel they could trust us.

When faced with a difficult conversation, it’s often wise to proceed carefully. Listen without judgement. Ask open-ended questions in a neutral voice. Be curious and open and seek to understand (not necessarily to agree with) where the other person is coming from. Pre-judgement or assumptions can get us off on the wrong foot and track.

We don’t necessarily have to take charge or have the answers. Giving someone a safe space to emote, talk, and think for a while is often the best path to an acceptable resolution. It takes time. Often, what’s needed most is just being there – and staying open.