Look for the Bigger Picture

The actor Alan Alda once said, “Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you.” I thought, “Wow, that’s really meaningful!”

Then I felt kind of angry. Some people used to say I was a good listener. I would smile and nod a lot and keep my mouth shut. It had taken me years to get over my shyness and come out of the shadows. So, was I to retreat again?

As I’d gained more confidence in social situations, I’d felt I had a right to grab the floor, to be center stage. I was done being a wallflower. I became a bit of a blabbermouth and opinionated. I thought my only choices were to be in the background or center stage.

Then another part of Alda’s quote struck me: “When I’m willing to let them change me, something happens between us that’s more interesting than a pair of dueling monologues.” Ah, I had transformed from a shadow to a dueling monologist. But that wasn’t really leading to connections and good relationships.

Other things I heard began to make more sense: quiet your internal focus and chatter, focus on the person in front of you, be curious and ask questions, listen to understand. Listen so attentively that, if the other person loses the train of thought, you can help pick it back up. All of this shows you care enough to listen closely and not judge. It’s the key to building rapport, trust, and ongoing relationships. A bigger picture.

I finally understood why Alda’s quote made so much sense. Connecting and relating is collaborative, revealing, constructive, on-going. It’s not a contest, script, or speech. It’s okay to stay open and not know the answers or where you’re headed. Draw on what the other person says. Draw them out. You can share your ideas and experiences but make them relevant. Stay in the drawing and discover what emerges. The bigger picture.