'I': Building Block or Barrier in Communication

Many communication experts advise using I-statements in sensitive conversations to minimize defensiveness. For instance, instead of saying you’re not listening to me” or “You never listen to me” - you say, “I get frustrated when I’m not listened to” or “I get frustrated when you don’t listen to me.” The intent is to own your feelings and sound less accusatory.

But either way, it sounds accusatory. The other person might say, “Well, that’s your problem,” or “You’re accusing me of something I didn’t do,” or “I’m sorry you feel I’m interrupting you” (which is not really an apology).

The problem is making it about you, pulling focus, making it difficult to go deeper to discover what’s really going on behind the scenes and getting in the way. In order to uncover those buried gems, we need to be curious, open, non-judgmental. We need to make it safe for the other person to open up.

A recent author of a book on communication promotes saying something such as, “You seem distracted. Am I right?” Again, pulling focus. Sounds like trying to show what a good listener you are, how much you care, or how smart you are.

Chris Voss is co-author of Never Split the Difference, and founder of The Black Swan. He’s an ex-hostage negotiator who teaches the advanced use of listening skills and empathy in both personal and business negotiations. His approach is to minimize the use of pronouns – especially the I word. And to use the You word carefully to avoid sounding accusatory. You might say, “Seems like something is on your mind,” or “Seems like you’re thinking of something,” Then be quiet. You’re not pulling focus. You’re letting the other person consider what’s going on in his head and if he wants to share it. Or maybe he’ll just realize he was looking distracted and will now refocus – without a judgment from you.

These are very simple examples. But do bring more attention to what you’re saying and how you’re saying it. Try to avoid making the other person feel uncomfortable. This can be hard. Especially if you feel uncomfortable and disrespected. But things can quickly go sideways if you rush to judgement. Check it out. Black swans were once considered non-existent. Hang in there and look for the black swans in the conversation. You could learn a lot.

There are times to use the I word. If you disagree with someone, you might say, “I see it differently.” That’s assertive, not aggressive. It’s an invitation, not a demand to focus on your POV. Don’t push it.